Sometimes you think of your life and it maks you absolutly sad. Not sad in a way you want to kill yourself, more that in the way you feel light and dead already.
I am cyling and the air is cold from the morning glory. Its about 7 and I am not really joined by people. It is the road and me, the sunlight and the cold frost out of my mouth. I am thinking of my home, the old days. The child I used to be, dreaming of a change. These days I am not dreaming so loud anymore. Sometimes they get more volume but mostly I try to ignore them. I know I used to cry me believing there is a hope and there was a hope but I didnt know better then.
Sadly I am a sad kid. I am thinking of others lives, get sad about people I never seen before and will never ever see in my live again. Maybe I am just sad about everything in general.
I turn a corner and love the wind I am feeling. Its all freedom to me. I am so light, so thankful. I am a sad kid but would never kill myself. At least that is what I believe. I love life. I love Life for those moments I feel so much love and hope and thankfulness. Those moments with no efforts at all. Its just me riding the bike listening to music.
I feel alone a lot of times. Too many times. Not alone of not having company or something more a lonelyiness of not having someone who feels the same way. Ther is that city life I grew up and I live in. The people are dreaming other dreams there. You look into their eyes and dont know what to feel. They open they mouth and all you hear is the same. Said over and over again by different people with different pants but all saying the same. They just dont know it. They do the same, they think the same. I am not happy here. I cant find people to make friends with, it was not that bad in my home town, there was still the Twenty Percent. The Twenty Percent of different people. People who dont listen to all the others, People who are not afraid of being themselves and people who will listen to their inner feelings. I cannot find here 1 %.
Its a dead end and finally every country with no believers will end up like that. Its all gonna get worse, that is the truth. But still I love life. And it is not for the people who are selfish and low in their soul who entertain themself with drugs and alcohol and cannot cry in front of no one and tell I have faults. I love life for the inner happyines which my family gives me, for the big love of my mother that reflects the love of my dead father and for the luck that I found someone who loves me and is exactly what I searched for. A person who listen to his heart and knows where he comes from. He person who believs in love deeply. He got lost one time which made me sad and which was hard but I know he is the best. He just doesnt know it yet.
So here I am, with everything I want and love. I am happy, Right! And it makes me cry...
Monday, 14 January 2008
Ladies, Gentlemen, time isn't here to share with you.
I feel tired inside. The first week of school was demanding as usual. I can say I worked almost constantly on my new project. The project theme is INSIDE OUTSIDE UPSIDE DOWN. Yeah it sounds stupid and it is. We needed to find objects which are reflecting the feeling of the project's headline. After first choosing a blooming rose which turns bad and this way upside down I choose and umbrella instead. I am just not a rosy type. An umbrella is far more interesting especially that mechanic build inside. Now we have 3 weeks to complete our project. We need to hand in a fully developed sketchbook, I chose A3 stupid me, 20 Textile samples/ manipulations/ models, 4 portfolio sheets and 4 completed drawings/ illustrations.
This is for my textile class, which is my main class, but I also have cultural studies, in which I have to write an essay about 1200 words till end of january. Gosh, I hate writing essays, I am the worst writer. I can't do it in German and especially not in English. I got an Dyslexia sheet giving me more time but I am not the kind of person who waits till the very end to complete a task. I don't want to use this extra time. I mean what is the point? I have to do it anyways. Why not getting it right out of the way.
Besides the 2 named classes I also have a photoshop class, which is quite cool and the most easy one. For this class we have to design a CD cover till end of january. That is something exciting. I have no idea though what band I am gonna design a CD cover for. But that is not a problem I think. Any suggestions? :P
Yeah so this is basically my life at the moment. I wake up at 6:47 leave at 8 arrive at school at 9:20 and go home at 4 p.m. arrive at my room at about 5:30. Then I check mails, phone with Mister Dearing and keep on working with my school at home. Later in the evening while I still work Greg and I watch a movie together with Skype on and we lend up being in bed at 1 or 2.
But things are going to change, I hope so much. Greg went to his Interview today and it seems he doesn't need a visa. He just needs a return ticket and other supportive information and he is good to go. Pray to God that this is the truth. I struggle here with myself. I miss him so and I am tired of that back and forth feeling, of that being together and being apart. I want to have peace in my heart and in my soul. People often don't understand us, we feel. Partners can be apart over month and can live with that. They say its not a big deal. For me it is. The feeling of being apart is horrible. I need to share moments with a person I cant just live my day all alone and be happy about it. I know that when you are apart for a long time it makes that you become a stranger. You see things, you live through things, you cry, you laugh and all without your partner, the connection finally goes away. Greg and I felt this already after being 2 month apart. It is so hard to stay together, in the end you just fight and want to give up.
I can't wait to see him again.
So now I am sitting in my bed after a weekend of work or rather slowly work till no work. I feel dirty. I am sitting the whole day inside trying to find material for my essay and now that I found everything I write this crap here instead of working because I hate essays like I said. I also feel crap because I work so much but I feel like I don't do anything. I look at the stuff I created, I drew, I sketched and it is so less. Its even hard for me to believe that I really work on my school stuff and don't do other stuff. I need to find a way to draw more quickly and not sitting at one sketch 2 hours. I am a perfectionist I cant stop till I am satisfied. noooooo good. So babes.
I don't know how you put a song on here, but when you get the chance to listen to the SAWDUST CD from the KILLERS, you should listen to DADDY'S EYES.
I love to listen to that song walking to the tube.
So and by the way come to London. Its only worth it to visit when you know someone from here where you can stay and live a citizen life and not that stupid tourist life. The city is too big to fulfill the 7 days I have to see sights plan.
Okay dears and dearings
have a nice week
I am a camel
P.S. I apologize for all grammatical and orthographical mistakes
Monday, 7 January 2008
Their eyes are scraping tears
The concavity, a manifest
Triangles are swinging
An unshiney breath coming from west
covers the fields,
The arms, longing for haven.
Purely in time
No one has ever scared
He came in slowly steps
smiling like you
August, time has changed
they don't come no more
It was that day